My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm passing your future prison.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
