Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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