i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
