he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
