Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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