We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
