FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
