Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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