i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
