I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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