This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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