Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
