You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
