fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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