Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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