Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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