I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.