Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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