Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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