theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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