im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
