Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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