So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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