There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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