i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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