You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
