someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
