i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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