i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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