Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
