I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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