I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
