I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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