if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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