He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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