I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
farters have to be the big spoon...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
