this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
