Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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