I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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