Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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