You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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