So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So much rum. So many feels.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize