im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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