There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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