im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
