i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
