Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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