if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
