Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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