I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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