The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
