i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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