The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I want her autograph on my taint
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My ass is underappreciated
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
