On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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