It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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