Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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