I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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