i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
