I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
