I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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