Screwed.edu
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
